Regret

Have you ever experienced regret? Regret so deep and terrible that it just aches? Regret is a hard thing to have to live with. My motto for years was "no regrets". My motto has since changed, but I still hate regret. I hate the "should haves", "could haves" and "what if's". The regret that still weighs on me today is a direct result of my past unwillingness to express love. This unwillingness was rooted in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of loosing some perceived advantage or edge, fear that my _expressions of love would not be returned. This awful regret very nearly destroyed me. By drinking heavily I prevented this regret from serving any useful purpose in my life for quite some time.

The death of my father-in-law taught me so much. Mostly it taught me to begin expressing my feelings openly and honestly to everybody around me RIGHT NOW. There is no promise of tomorrow. His death taught me that it's so much easier suffering even quite a bit of embarrassment rather than suffering a lifetime with regret. George's death taught me that it's never too early and never inappropriate in any relationship to express love. However, let there be no doubt that a time will come when it will be too late to express that love in person. We go through life with so many things left unsaid to those around us who mean so much to us. We are prompted by God's Holy Spirit to say an encouraging word but we think it will be awkward so we become good at ignoring those promptings. Wonderful heart felt emotions go unexpressed. Great encouraging thoughts never become words. Words and _expressions of love get drowned in our pools of self doubt and fear. Relationships remain where they are because of our inability and refusal to express ourselves to each other through actions and words.

The love that I have for those people closest to me in an ever expanding circle is such that cannot be fully described with words or even completely expressed with actions. It's so powerful that I can't even fully understand or grasp it myself at times. It's as if this love is an entity within me, separate from myself, that I get to be filled by, that I get to enjoy, and that I get to share. Maybe it is. Nothing this great could come from man. This love will never be fully expressed no matter what I do or say because it can't be. It's too big. I utterly lack the ability to fully express my love for those around me. Just when I think I've found the boundaries of this love, just when I think I have the words to express it -- the boundaries expand and the words fall pitifully short. Even though I lack the ability to fully express this love--I WILL NEVER STOP TRYING TO DO SO. My hope is that someday this love I have within me and the love I know is within you will be fully and completely expressed and understood. I know this won't happen while we are still in these shells. It won't be fully expressed until we are truly one. When our spirits intermingle with each other and with Christ unfettered by these bodies and the fear, doubt, and sin that resides within them . Then -- at that moment -- we will fully know and be fully known.